Saturday, October 14, 2006

My son is sick. It's hard for me to even write those words. I feel personal failure when Johnny gets sick. Of course, overwhelmingly, I am just sorry to see him hurting but his illness also causes me to question myself. What I am doing wrong? Aren't nursing babies supposed to be immune to illnesses, especially ear infections?? Where's the pay off for all the time I spend nursing him still? I am realizing that this attitude is pervasive in other areas of my life. When Evan and I struggle financially, I question, why are there so many wealthy with excess when I just want enought to get by? Evan works hard, finished his college degree, where are the benefits of that? I guess I feel owed something. How terrible!
What I fail to see is, in the 15 months my son has been around, probably ten days have been spent sick. We may not have a whole lot of money, but there is laughter in our home everyday. That prayer I found in my prayer book could not have come at a better time. I so easily focus on the problem, the despair, the emptiness and threats. I fail to see the meaning, promises, possiblities and hope. I fail to see Christ. When I do, how can I ask what I am owed? Everything I've already been given I never deserved in the first place.

5 comments:

Paul & Kameron Morton said...

Hey Annie, I know we don't know each other well, but I feel like you just read my mind and voiced exactly how I feel everyday. Aidan needs eye surgery again. We work hard, but wonder how God will provide the money we need for that. I just couldn't relate more. Sometimes it is hard to focus on being thankful for all God has already given us and that compared to most (!) we are rich already... and like you said, we never deserved that in the first place.

Lauren S. said...

How is your son doing?

I'm sorry he's sick, that's the most awful feeling. I felt like that when my daughter had to get her front teeth capped. I nursed a long time, didn't give her junk, was pretty good about cleaning her teeth, not perfect, but geesh, she was only 17 months at the time.

I hope he feels better soon, and you too. :)

Starrs In Denver said...

Amen sister! If he lets you, enjoy the extra cuddle time. The blessing I hold to when mine are sick, is the cuddle time, reading to them on the couch or bed...spending more "quiet" time with them...and thankful for the usual health that God blesses us with. Thanks for your honesty...you are a blessing.
~Rose

Lisa Kelly said...

I too understand. We lived in apartments until just recently (7 years of marriage and 2 kids in apt), with awful neighbors. We were living in "poverty level" for U.S. standards and we both have our college degrees! Only just recently my husband got a raise, and then I became pregnant with twins. It seemed like just when I thought we'd be in apartments and be poor our whole lives, God provided a way. We are still eligible for WIC, etc... but we have much more than we've ever had, and feel like we have plenty. But even now, we don't know how long my husband will be able to keep his job. Nothing is secure but Jesus. I am going to pray that you will be able to find financial relief at the RIGHT time. I think a lot of young families have felt this way. Even older families that you would never think had so little when they had young families, often really did have little long ago. We just don't talk about it much! It's great you are honest about it. It is hard!!! Yet, it's great because you are building memories of family--you spending time with Ethan and supporting your husband by being at home! And if you were out working all the time, you'd have money but no happiness. You know all this though!

annie said...

Hi Friends! It's good to hear from you. Johnny is feeling much better, although, we did end up taking him to urgent care when his fever got really high.
I am feeling better,too.
Lisa, when are you due? Soon, right. How exciting!!! Meeting TWO new little ones. Keep me posted and I want to know what you are naming the babes.