My son is sick. It's hard for me to even write those words. I feel personal failure when Johnny gets sick. Of course, overwhelmingly, I am just sorry to see him hurting but his illness also causes me to question myself. What I am doing wrong? Aren't nursing babies supposed to be immune to illnesses, especially ear infections?? Where's the pay off for all the time I spend nursing him still? I am realizing that this attitude is pervasive in other areas of my life. When Evan and I struggle financially, I question, why are there so many wealthy with excess when I just want enought to get by? Evan works hard, finished his college degree, where are the benefits of that? I guess I feel owed something. How terrible!
What I fail to see is, in the 15 months my son has been around, probably ten days have been spent sick. We may not have a whole lot of money, but there is laughter in our home everyday. That prayer I found in my prayer book could not have come at a better time. I so easily focus on the problem, the despair, the emptiness and threats. I fail to see the meaning, promises, possiblities and hope. I fail to see Christ. When I do, how can I ask what I am owed? Everything I've already been given I never deserved in the first place.